It's my party.

And I'm the only one who showed up!

Well, it's not really a party. But it is my birthday! Today!

So Excuse me one second.
Happy birthday to me.
Happy birthday to me.
Happy birthday to myself.
Happy birthday to me.

Thanks.

So jealous.

Right now, I am so jealous.

I am envious.
I am torn by this feeling.
I am being viciously eaten by the little green-eyed monster.

And why is this you may ask. Well, I will tell you.

I want so bad to have another child. Just to be pregnant again, just to have another baby again. But, I cannot at this moment.

I am preparing to leave March 15th to go to basic training. I don't want to screw up the one thing I have going for me.

I currently have no man who would want to have a child with me, and even if I did, I would only want a certain man's child.

But it is okay. I am sure that in all due time, I will be blessed with the chance to experience all of this all over agian. I just have to be content until then.

And wait.

I will never admit to writing this.

Kali looked up into Silas’ eyes. The grey had begun to fade to blue.

“It’s getting late.” Silas said, but he made no action as to what he meant by it. Instead he moved his face closer to Kali. She closed her eyes and breathed him in.

“I don’t care how late it gets,” Kali replied, “I just want you to stay with me.” Even as she spoke those words, she knew it would never happen. How could just the two of them be together when she wasn’t even alone?

“You know I want to, but you also know that that can’t happen. Not until you’re better. Not until…” Silas couldn’t finish his sentence.

“You don’t know do you?”

“I wish I did. You know I want nothing more than to stay with you.”

“Prove it.” Kali demanded, her desire burning in her eyes. Silas put his hand under Kali’s chin and pulled her face to his, locking her lips within his. He pulled her body closer to his, basking in the warmth radiating from her. He kissed more passionately then he had in a long time, not knowing when he would next kiss her lips again.

Kali pulled away as the dinner bell began to ring.

“I have to go.” Kali muttered, a frown falling upon her face. Silas felt her grow cold in his arms.

“You’ll get out soon. The psychiatrist says Monday; at the latest Wednesday.” Silas said as he walked Kali towards the entrance to the ward. This time it was Kali that pulled them close, clinging onto Silas like a paranoid kitten. He put his hand on the back of her head and sighed. “It’s okay. Make it just a few more days.” Silas whispered as the magnetic click alerted them of the unlocking of the door.

They pulled away and began walking, Silas towards the elevator, Kali towards the entrance of the psych ward.

Silas turned at the entrance to the elevator and saw Kali taking her seat at the table with her plate. He climbed into the elevator, embedding the sad, painful image of Kali’s despairing face into his mind.

On Monday morning, Kali sat in her psychiatrist’s office, twiddling her thumbs and giving generic answers.

“How did you sleep?” Dr. Star asked.

“Okay.” Kali muttered.

“Did you eat all three meals yesterday?” Dr. Star was still stuck on the fact that Kali looked anorexic.

“Yeah.” Kali rolled her eyes.

“Have any thoughts of hurting yourself?”

“Not lately.”

“Hurting others?”

“I’m beyond that stage.” Kali was getting impatient. She wanted to know when she was going home.

“So, we decided not to send you home today. We’re thinking about Wednesday.”

“Wednesday?” Kali put her face in her hands. “Are you serious?”

“We don’t feel you’re ready.”

“We?”

“Your mother and I”

“Oh. Okay.” Kali got up and walked out into the hallway. It was quiet, dead quiet. Kali walked down the hallway towards her room. She entered her room, crossed to the window and put her head against it.

It was cold. The hospital was cold, but this was a calming cold.

Kali thought back to when Silas was visiting. She’d felt warm in his arms even though it was almost sixty degrees in the hospital.

Probably because he’s the warmest person on earth Kali thought.

She’d been happy, too. Sure, she hadn’t been depressed since she got here, but she hadn’t been happy either. She had always put her moods into shades of blue or white. Always. When she was depressed it seemed like she was drowning in a sea of blue, dark blue. When she came here, she’d felt like she was swimming in a pool of light blue. But Silas- Silas always made her feel like she was skating on an ocean of white.

Wednesday just can’t come soon enough. Kali thought. What am I suppose to do without Silas?

She sighed and closed her eyes. She pressed her forehead harder against the glass, moving it when the spot became warm. The glass got colder as the night progressed and eventually the monitor, Ms. Winter, was knocking on her door telling her to take a shower and get ready for bed. Snack time was over.

Must be 8. Kali thought as she got out and got dressed. Bedtime was at 8:30. Kali climbed into bed, closed her eyes, and floated into Silas’ arms.

This is long overdue.

I wanted to come up with a "deep" title for this post, but no such luck. So, I thought I would state the obvious.

I don't really know what to write anymore now that my life has slowed down drastically and become much more boring. I used to blog about the drama between Caveman and I, but it's getting pretty repetitive. The drama, not the blogging.

It seems like it's one thing after another with Caveman and me. If it's not one thing, it's another. If it's neither of those... Well then, we must not have talked in a day or two.

Don't get me wrong, I still love Caveman just as much and yes, we're still broken up. So, basically, that's the drama all in one nutshell.

I used to love blogging. If something bothered me, I would blog. If I had something I wanted to share, I would blog. If something needed to be said, but couldn't, I would blog.

My dilemma? I no longer feel inspired to blog. Have I gone mad?

Maybe I have. Who knows.

An update.

For those of you who do read this. And if you do, you should really leave comments. You know, so I know who is reading this.

Sorry, I know this is long overdue, but I haven't had the inspiration to do much of anything. As you may have been able to tell.

Food stamps denied me because I'm under 22 & living with my mother.

I have Medi-Cal, although I do not need it, but I guess it'll come in handy eventually.

I'm on my last week of school for the fall semester. I have spring classes coming up and get to register on the 17th @ 10 a.m.. Although, I wish I could register earlier.

The Army is giving me the go around on enlisting. It's taking a long while and they keep canceling my appointments. It's getting frustrating.

That's all for now. I'm getting bored of this.